TIME is a relative concept. Probably a second cousin twice removed. Or an uncle you see twice a year and who mumbles a lot and monopolises the cabana at family functions. (Come to think of it, that uncle may well be me.) But I’ll admit the news that our stage four lockdown would be heading into extra time, if not a penalty shoot out, was something of a blow. Not just a swift clip behind the ears, either, but a full-booted kick to the solar plexus. I’d been looking forward to a change. If I’m being honest, I was looking…
Author: Stuart McCullough
IT’S done. Human culture has finally reached a point at which it can never be bettered. After thousands of years of evolutionary development that included the Renaissance and the Industrial Revolution, we can now take our collective foot off the pedal safe in the knowledge that things, put simply, have just reached a glorious high water mark that leaves us all better off. Somebody call Charles Darwin, because evolution is now officially complete. That’s because I’ve just seen a TV advert featuring Snoop Dogg for a food delivery service. This is a glorious development that should be celebrated by everyone.…
THESE are testing times. By ‘testing times’, I don’t mean in a ‘Naplan’ kind of way. Or even in a ‘pub test’ way, given they’re all currently closed. I mean that these are difficult times for everyone and there’s little choice but to suck it up and soldier on. Right now we’re living in a Leonard Cohen song. Not one of the pretty, romantic ones but the scary, apocalypse-before-breakfast type of songs. But despite the gloom it’s also an opportunity. An opportunity to do things a little differently and to acquire new skills that – once upon a time such…
The news of mandatory mask wearing has taken me completely by surprise. Knowing that I’ll be fined $200 for not wearing a mask after Wednesday has made me regret continuing to panic buy toilet paper when everybody else was probably panic buying face masks. How could I have got panic buying so wrong? Now masks are going to be compulsory, the chances of getting one of those official-looking blue ones that Anthony Edwards used to wear on ‘ER’ are slim to none. Which means I’ll need to make my own. Luckily, I am incredibly practical by nature and willing to…
IT was a routine trip to the supermarket. Trouble was, I was about five days too late. Having refused to succumb to panic, I was instead faced with having my choices substantially limited. The place was eerily quiet. Much as when you go anywhere that has recently experienced something deeply traumatic, everyone looked a little shell-shocked. I’d seen footage of people coming to blows in order to secure a packet of 2-ply but it’d been hard to believe. I’m not sure what this says about us as a nation, but we’re far less prepared for a zombie apocalypse than I’d…
A WELCOME about-face by the state government has thrown a lifeline to the Mt Martha North beach renourishment project. Beachgoers and members of the Mount Martha North Beach Group were jubilant last week when the government moved towards accepting Commonwealth funds to replenish sand eroded by winter storms and, possibly, erect a rock groyne to help hold the sand in place. This comes after a crowded August meeting at Mt Martha Life Saving Club at which the Department of Environment, Land, Water and Planning (DELWP) confirmed it had accepted a recommendation to take no action to “save” the beach and…
The following is a reconstruction of the ACTUAL phone call between President Trump and Prime Minister Turnbull done by MPNG’s Stuart McCullough. It does contain FAKE NEWS, such as the claim that “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” is a tremendous show… *** Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. ‘WHAT!’ ‘Good morning Mr. President.’ ‘Who is this?’ ‘It’s Malcolm Turnbull.’ ‘Trumble?’ ‘Turnbull.’ ‘Hey, Tumble, I want answers. Like where the hell is my pizza? I ordered that thing thirty minutes ago and if I don’t see a stuffed crust super supreme in front of me in the next sixty seconds, you…
In a major coup for the peninsula, a government spokesperson has today announced the Stony Point train line will be overhauled. The bold plan is believed to be an expansion of the ‘sky rail’ project beyond Frankston; level crossings along the Stony Point line will be removed through the use of an elevated track and the so-called ‘missing link’ constructed. Project spokesman Herman Melville claims it’s the first piece of major rail infrastructure on the peninsula in over thirty years. “It will provide a major boost to the economy,” he said. “People will love it.” But when asked whether this is part…